Things have been challenging lately health-wise. I forgot to mention in my last post that I got a laparoscopy recently to investigate possible endometriosis. Well, an attempt at one. They couldn't do it due to ‘too much internal scar tissue’, whatever that entails. Next step is an MRI to see just how bad it is in there.
I’ve also recently had issues with my heart rate. It keeps spiking between 100 and 120, even when I’m inactive. I was feeling dizzy and out of it most of the time and sometimes felt like I was drunk when I hadn't taken anything. The doctor urgently referred me to the hospital where I had chest X-rays, blood tests, the whole lot – but they couldn't diagnose anything. They want me to do a 24hr ECG before they sort me with any meds.
My mental health has been pushed to the extreme. I've had my own health problems, constant pain from nearly every part of my body, feeling dizzy, to list just a few things. In the meantime, I've been revising for exams taking place in May and panicking because I just do not feel up to it physically and mentally. I can't revise when I'm in a lot of pain or when I've passed out on the bed in the afternoon because I'm so lightheaded. I've been feeling down, suicidal at times. I’m back on the codeine. I haven't cut in a while and the last time I did it was minimal. The time before that I hit a vein. The danger of it becoming such a banal thing in my life is that I cause myself serious harm without any kind of backup plan. I don't cut to kill, so how am I meant to look after it?
On Monday I just gave up on the day, took enough codeine to make myself sleepy, and lay on my bed for hours out of it.
Then my mother took a heart attack.
I was sitting beside her high as hell trying to tell her it would be okay, too drugged up to get emotional about it myself. The ambulance crew came for her and I was just standing there in a daze. I don't think anything hit me until the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Feeling increasingly emotional, increasingly feeling the void that was my mother not being around the house. She's still in hospital and hopefully will be out tomorrow.
The weight of my addiction problems, mother being ill, and being in physical pain myself was just too much at times. I've been on the edge of tears a lot of the week, just trying to hold it together. I was stressed already to the point of almost cracking with the exams and my own health, so my mum being ill was the cherry on top. I can't handle everything. I think there are very few people who could.
I spoke to a couple of people from the university and they said it's up to me whether I do the exams now but suggested I put my health first. I spoke to my dad and he said to put the exams first. Final decision was mine and I'm not going to go in and do some exams I know I can't give my all to right now, so I put in an exceptional circumstances form for it and that's that.