Things have died down quite a bit since I last posted on here. Everything was sorted RE: Advance Wars (although I had to 'hand it back', so to speak). It was quite a strange time for me psychologically, I'm not a person who enjoys such attention and so it hit me like a brick. Furthermore, it heightened my anxiety and some of the comments I received about 'the part I was playing' were detrimental to my mental health. It's hard to tell how much of the vitriol was jealousy, how much was sexism, and how much was just plain trolling. Alas, it was difficult to deal with and a whole new situation for me.
Nintendo were quite kind in how they dealt with the situation (as they should be; it was their fault). In exchange for removing all tweets containing content from the game, I was given a white OLED Switch and a £50 eShop voucher. Of course, they also refunded the original game. Advance Wars 1+2: Re-Boot Camp has since been released for the Switch and I’ve been playing it even more but reminded of how much I suck at strategy games. I blame the meds.
It was a strange time, but things have become busier for me in other ways. I finished my HND latst year with Distinctions in all units and got into Queen’s University Belfast, a university I had been aiming for since I was younger, but which always felt out of reach. I was able to get 2nd year entry into Biological Sciences with Professional Studies and chose some genetics and cell biology modules to keep myself busy with. Some modules (Cell Biology, Molecular Genetics) I've done before and don't find particularly challenging at this level. Others (Plant and Soil Science, Invertebrate Biology) relate to things I haven't gone near since my A-Level days nearly 13 years ago. It's not challenging so much as different. However, the tests I must do are frightening. Again, I haven't done tests or exams for 13 years. My expertise is in writing reports and literature reviews to comprehensively cover a subject, not remember minute details that will help me with multiple choice test (harder than you think, they tend to contain trick answers from what I can see).
Unfortunately, I was told on the first day of university that a dissection kit would be required for some modules. I knew this would be a dangerous idea but having further investigated it, I'm even more concerned. My self harm in previous years has been limited to a craft knife (Xcelite) but this kit contains a proper scalpel that I have tested on paper and tissues and found to be significantly more piercing (as would be expected, I guess.) Nothing has happened recently to push me over the edge and into severe self harming or suicidal behaviour but these things can be unpredictable.
For my placement year I need a job. Thankfully, since an industry placement would not be the best for me with my mental health, I was able to find a research placement in a cancer research centre. It’s voluntary but it’s also nicely suited to my needs. I was concerned about applying for placements since I’ve only ever had one job interview and one subsequent job that lasted a month due to me being too anxiety-ridden to continue. At least I have the experience from my HND to lean back on when it comes to that, having written many reports and done analyses that my peers on this BSc may not have done.
I've been very honest on this blog and don't feel like I should be 'muzzled' in any way just because I'm at university and seeking a job – as if it means I need to maintain a façade of sanity. My mental health has been up and down (as usual) and my reactions to events have only proven how fragile it can be at times. I've recently had one medication upped to help with nerves related to university attendance. I should have guessed but I didn't realise that there were so many people in the area around QUB. It's been a bit of a struggle at times to not feel self-conscious or nervous and a recent review by my mental health team have suggested increasing the quetiapine will help with that.
My mood recently has been one of constant sadness. Occasionally it has been raised and I've even been happy on certain occasions, but mostly I'm sitting at a 5/10 with frequent dips to 3/10. Any lower would warrant behaviour with the scalpel but as I said, nothing severe enough has pushed me that low yet. It could be that I'm staying so busy - too busy to get properly depressed.