My first entry of 2024. I bet you thought I'd abandoned you, eh?
Things have been very busy since I last updated. I don't know if I can even fit everything that's happened into one entry but I'll try my best to give an overview.
I suppose the biggest impact to my life has been university. I've since finished my 2nd year and I'm on placement year right now. University has certainly been a jump from HND, perhaps not so much in actual content but more how it's delivered and how I've been expected to respond. Class tests and exams have been mortifying, especially when it's been so long since I've done either and since I'm drugged up to the eyeballs on prescription meds. In the first test I did I got something like 50%. I literally spent the day crying and coping in the ways that I do (self harm, alcohol, codeine) because I thought it was the worst thing in the world. I was convinced I was a failure. I didn't quite realise what I was dealing with. The fact that it was a test on genetic engineering made me feel even worse as I felt like I should have aced it. I got a confidence boost with other modules: plant and soil science, strangely, where I was achieving upwards of 70% on tests and coursework. Cell biology, too, where I was also doing well. It was only when I got to the dry lab aspect of genetics, the bioinformatics part of the 'Molecular Genetics and Bioinformatics' module that I felt I was in the right place. I was getting test scores of 90+%. Even other modules where I had to do wet lab practicals, I never felt confident. I felt so anxious with all the other people there in the room and also with my physical illnesses on show - my tremor was a nightmare and trying to explain neuralgia to people was even worse. Despite everything, like a (suspected) incel practical partner trying to write me out of my own report, operations and illnesses, my exams being postponed due to family illness, and my exam results literally being deleted from the USB stick they were saved on (student disability aids meant I could use the PC to write for the 3 hour long exams), I passed my 2nd year with good grades.
The year was challenging. I've self harmed more than I have previously but this is no doubt due to the change in personal circumstances and the stress that brought. It's been severe at times without a doubt, but manageable with support. I've only given in to opiate use a handful of times. My alcohol use has been above the usual amount, but I would imagine still lower than my 20 year old peers. I haven't been hospitalised, I've been discharged from the community mental health team (they don't think they can do much for me at this point) and instead have been seeing a specialist self harm/suicide counsellor. At one point I was seeing a drug addiction specialist (outside of the 'official' addiction team) who helped me quite a bit. Now I'm just waiting to see psychology again but they have very long waiting lists.
As previously mentioned, April/May was very difficult. My diagnostic laparoscopy for endometriosis being unable to be performed due to the 'amount of internal scarring' speaks volumes, and then I was so sick after the anaesthetic. I'm still waiting for an MRI but decided to go private to speed it up since it's something that's affecting me so badly - abdominal pains almost every day. Additionally, in the weeks after the attempted laparoscopy (and a coil replacement), I was severely ill. No-one else in my household was and neither was my partner, so I can only conclude it was contracted at the hospital. For two weeks I couldn't eat, drink, or even just take my medication or I'd bring it back up. I slept most of the day and couldn't leave the house. It really was a mystery as to what it was, but I'm just glad it's long over.
I also previously mentioned about my mother having a heart attack. My mum, the fittest person in our family (despite how many internal organs she's had removed!) She had to have an emergency stent fitted that night. The night it happened, I was too out of it to realise how bad it was. I was stressed about my exams starting the next week and abusing codeine again at this point. The day my mum had her heart attack I must have taken a full box of cocodamol. I thought she was just having a panic attack. I'm sure the paramedics were wondering why I wasn't more concerned, in truth I was just too numbed.
I later found out after she had a second stent fitted that she also had a torn artery. I think that's when I really realised how bad it was. That afternoon I walked from the City Hospital to Belfast Royal (no, I didn't realise there was a free bus at this point) in the pouring rain to see her and spend the afternoon with her while she recovered. They promptly threw me out of the ward, saying visitors were only allowed there temporarily. That makes sense now, but at the time, having walked all that distance in the rain and wind, and then finding out about the torn artery that also had to be repaired (that she had been walking about with for at least a few months), I was inconsolable. I knew I was going to freak out but I also knew I couldn't leave the hospital since she'd be ready to go in a few hours. I went to the 'quiet room', read some Buddhist meditation leaflets, and tried my best to calm down, but the tears kept coming. I thought someone might say something, but I kept crying. I suspect those tears were signs of fear. Fear of what had happened to my mother and fear of what I was capable of doing if I had left the hospital that day.
I was able to do my exams a few months later due to the special circumstances. I feel it may have worked in my favour as I was able to look at past papers from the summer exams and rule out possible questions. Still, even though I had a green room and PC to type my answers on, the stress was overwhelming. I was so happy when I finished, but had to just go and get myself a double vodka to ease the anxiety. A couple of days after the last exam, I received a phone call saying that the marker had opened my answer document and it was blank. It was a Friday and I was at home. I was asked if I could come in and 'try to locate the answers'. I just remember anger, sadness, and the futility of it all. I cried for a bit and then got the train into Belfast. The IT team had looked and couldn't locate it (had they really?) and I looked, also unable to locate it but not exactly privy to the same tools that the IT team had at their disposal. I must have spent 10 minutes up there before coming home again and getting a phone call as I was going to collect my medication: "Great news! You can repeat it on Monday!" Great. News. You can repeat an exam you've already done. I was furious. I spoke to an SU Advice rep. who made me even more furious:
"All I want is an apology for them losing my answers..."
"Eh, if I were them I wouldn't apologise either :)"
Thanks for the help/for making me feel even worse.
I was about to go off the deep end that weekend but remembered I had an exam to do on Monday so couldn't do anything to fuck it up. That was the only thing saving me from doing something extreme: the thought that I had to stay stable, I had to behave because I had to revise and I had to at least pass this exam that I've already done. I ended up with a score of 70+% on that exam, thankfully. Because if I hadn't aced it, I probably would have done something I shouldn't have. God knows I've nearly bled out for less.
Regarding my current situation, having passed all my 2nd year exams, I was doing the 'Professional Studies' part of my degree. My current position is as a research assistant and sys admin in a bioinformatics lab. I work 3 paid days a week and will 'finish' next month, however it's likely I'll stay on to continue working on projects and providing technical support. Industry was never going to be an option for me. There's no way I could do a solid 5 days a week of going in to a place, working in a wet lab, and sticking at that for a year. My mood would not allow it, my physical conditions would not allow it, and my anxiety would most definitely not allow it. Instead, I got my current position by emailing a cancer research centre at QUB to see if I could help with research.
There were some mild issues just before Christmas when I was told I couldn't continue after Christmas without being paid - new rules by QUB apparently. This was a nightmare situation for me, happy enough to continue on a voluntary basis. I was told unless funding could be found, I'd have to move to another place which would likely be an industry job. I was very distressed by this, especially as I had been working for half a year in my current position and was used to it. Thankfully everything got sorted out. I was able to stay on in the current job and get paid. I'm glad things were able to be sorted out but it still angers me that I was put in that position, especially as a student with a disability. At this point I was kind of wondering with QUB: what next?
However, my job is giving me opportunities I never thought I'd have. Do I want to present at the journal club? Do I want to go to Finland for a conference? What would people do without me if they had tech issues? Do I want to get this summer studentship where I get paid? How about this paper, let's get it finished!
Things right now are almost too good to be true, and I get suspicious in such cases. I wait for things to come crashing down, because I'm so used to it happening.