After nearly 15 years of self harming, you end up with more than a few scars. You might even end up covered like me. I have scars on my legs (thighs and shins), arms (quite extensively on my wrist, a few at the top of each arm as well) and other places like my hands, stomach, chest and even eyelids. When you self harm, you consider the fact that these scars will mark you for life and make peace with that. You may even think "It doesn't matter, I'm not going to make it into my late 20's".
When you're a teenage girl and you discover that your body will be focused on much more than anything else about you, you have other thoughts about the scarring. You may think to yourself, "I want to break this apart. I want to damage it and I want to make it so no-one will treat me that way, no-one will look at me and objectify me if I can repel them with this mutilation. I will destroy my skin. I will destroy myself."
I'm 27 in a couple of months. I never thought I would even make it this far and obviously this leads to a problem regarding the scarring. There are people in my life suggesting I get surgery but I don't want to. It's my goal to be comfortable with the scarring - it's something I did to myself and need to live with. To cover it up would just make me feel like a fake, like everything has been erased. I dislike covering anything about myself up - I don't even wear makeup. I only wear Vaseline on my lips and sometimes (maybe once a year), I might wear mascara and even eyeliner! But 99% of the time, it's just Vaseline. There's something about wearing makeup and covering my face that makes me feel like a fake person and makes me feel very depressed. I think to cover up the scarring (tattoos have also been suggested) would make me feel the same way. Of course, there's also the issue of why would I do anything about it when I'm still self harming? Surely that would just be a waste of time and resources?
Recently I've started running. I was using the treadmill before so I wouldn't have to face this problem, but I think it's something I need to do. I'm very self conscious regarding my arms and although I won't get surgery or cover them in tattoos or anything else, I've been wearing long sleeves when I go out to avoid the awkwardness. When running, especially with the temperature creeping up over 10 °C, you can't wear long sleeves all the time. As I've started doing this, I've had to wear a t-shirt a few times now. I do feel self conscious. I expect questions. I expect dirty looks. I expect people shouting at me from cars. These are just things that come with my social anxiety - the scars magnify them. I spend a lot of time concentrating on how the next person I pass by will react to the scars. I wonder if I'll cause a car collision because the driver is so busy staring at me. Basically, I forget that the rest of the world is doing their own thing and could care less about me.
I've had to pass by a few people by now in my t-shirt. Most just smile and say hello, treating me like they would if I weren't covered in obviously self inflicted scarring. Some, I've noticed, pass by silently and don't make eye contact. I automatically take this as disapproval. Thinking logically and going back to things I've learnt from counselling, they could have their own "stuff" going on and be busy thinking about that. Still, it's not easy to deal with.
I suppose everything becomes about you and how people interact with you but I put this down to previous bad experiences with my self harm and scarring. Because things happened before, I expect them to be repeated. Questions asked, things said, looks given... all the negative reactions come flooding back to me and I immediately feel the nervous energy.
I was hoping now, as a 26 year old, I would be able to become comfortable in my own (destroyed) skin. I'm stuck with it for life, after all. I also think about how I'm going on holiday with my mum in a few months. If I can't be comfortable walking around with my bare arms on show in my home town, what hope do I have wearing a bikini in a hot foreign country? I'm hoping that it would make it easier for me to cope with.
In conclusion: no surgery, no tattoos, no sleeves. I'm going to do my best to become comfortable with my scars on show. I won't "parade" them but I'm sick of hiding them (mainly for other people so they feel more comfortable). I'm sick of being made to feel guilty for not wanting to have to cover my arms all the time. This is mine. I've done this to myself. I will deal with it myself. I will live with it myself. I'm not going to make life worse for myself by making it easier for others.