I realise I haven't posted in a while but that doesn't mean I haven't been writing. Some things I've considered too sensitive to post online - things I'm not comfortable about being in the public eye. I've also tried not to blog about any old random thing; there's no substance there.
But here I am, first blog post of 2018, so I guess I should give an update on myself. I've lost nearly 40lbs. Funny I would mention this first - I suppose my weight has become an obsession. I have been exercising almost every day, eating very little and drinking homemade smoothies. I've cut out coffee and a lot of sugary/fatty things. I fall asleep at half 11 and wake up at half 7. Not long after waking up, I'll go on the treadmill prior to eating anything. The weight loss is wonderful but I'd be lying if I said my obsessive traits weren't beginning to show. Anorexic traits too. When I was a teenager I would exercise obsessively - I certainly didn't need to (I was 98lbs then) but it was part of my "slow suicide" aim. I wanted to literally reduce myself down. I can't say I'm skinny enough now for that to be a realistic aim but it's still in my mind that the less of me there is, the better.
Aside from the weight, I've made more than a couple of attempts to stay codeine free. Right now I'm counting days - 42 to be exact - but times have been very trying recently. I've been out walking a lot. On my bad days I'll think, "Maybe I could go back to the pharmacy and get some cocodamol, go get some vodka and find somewhere quiet." The thought has been tempting but I've been fighting it off so far. My addiction counsellor says I should be proud of how I'm doing but how many times has this happened before? I constantly think that it's just a matter of time until I fuck up again.
But why would I fuck up? Probably because my brain is all over the place right now. A lot of the time I'm too out of it on my prescribed meds to do or say anything about it but the emotions occasionally manage to break through that and I break down. I'm just so sleepy a lot of the time that I would have negative thoughts but have no energy to vent them, never mind act upon them. I was supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist last Thursday, an appointment I had been waiting for since I was referred back to the mental health team last September. It was postponed at the last minute until next month.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck. The codeine might be out of the way for now, but the self harm is still definitely present. I've been burning and, more recently, cutting myself again. I've been thinking about suicide. Thinking about codeine and vodka and how wonderful that would be. I've been exercising every day to the point that I feel I'm about to pass out. Calorie counting. Starvation. Trying to "work off" anything I do eat. I'm too sleepy to do the things I love (gaming, for example). Physically, I'm probably doing better than I ever have. Mentally, I feel screwed.
I'm going to be 27 soon. I've been depressed since I was a teenager. What exactly has changed? I cut deeper. I inflict 3rd degree burns. I take more pills. I take more prescribed pills. My mind has been numbed so I don't hear that critical voice in my head anymore telling me what a waste of space I am - but I still know it, so that's irrelevant. I'm too sedated to act upon the fleeting suicidal thoughts. My life has progressed no further and it's still difficult to see a future. On the plus side, I never even imagined reaching my mid-20's (that could be a negative though, since I haven't advanced much.)
Depression latches on and even when you think you're happy, when you feel glad, you're having fun, you know it's there. You always know it's there. In between normal logical thoughts, you find some creeping in that are illogical. Thoughts that come from nowhere. The worst is when you are distinctly unhappy for a *reason* though. Everything becomes magnified 10 fold. You don't just feel a bit down, you want to die. It makes no sense, either. Why, when something silly has happened, when I've said something wrong or got into an argument I can't win, been treated unfairly or whatever else, should I feel the same magnitude of sadness as someone who has a genuine reason like the death of a loved one? You feel even worse because it's so illogical. You wonder why you're feeling this bad. You feel subhuman. Those feelings just makes you more suicidal and the cycle continues.
Of course, then there's the isolation that comes with feeling this way. People don't want to spend time with you and your mind tells you they think less of you, anyway, and don't like you. All you're left with is you - which can be quite dangerous as you have no-one to help you think things through or just vent to. No-one to reassure you or tell you it'll all be okay. I guess this is a situation I'm currently in...
...But at least I have a blog and a journal, right?