Memories are something you focus a lot on when you have depression. You think back to times when really horrible things happened. You think back to times when you did something or said something stupid. Times when you embarrassed yourself. Times when you failed at something. Basically, you think about bad times over and over.
When you think about the bad times over and over, you end up feeling the same way as you did then. There's a voice in your head telling you how stupid you are, how you deserved it, how you should have done more, etc. This only compounds the initial emotions you experienced when the event happened.
It seems to me that a lot of my medication dulls these sensations. Obviously I've had years of counselling too, going over things and being taught how properly to process those memories, but it seems to me that the less I can get myself to think about them, the less I need to deal with them. The less I need to deal with them and the emotions they bring back to me, the likelier I am to stay on track with my recovery.
Some memories have bigger impacts than others and produce PTSD elements. It's strange; these get clumped in with the smaller ones ("Remember that time you fell over in front of like 20 people?") and the impact can be similar despite the size and intensity of the event which took place. As long as I take my medication, as long as I think about what I've been told by counsellors, I shouldn't have to deal with that severe emotional backlash.
This is something that terrifies me. What happens if I come off my medication? Will that voice come back, remind me of things that have happened and tell me how stupid I am for them? Will I ever be strong enough in my lifetime to fight back against that? Or will I just listen?
I've recently tried a new approach. What if I can create new memories? What if I create memories in which I'm happy? What if I create so many that they drown out any bad ones?
Some people have raised issues with me going to concerts. "How can you go to concerts if you have severe social anxiety?" Well, it's like with me walking the dog or out running: I don't have to speak to people. I have a task. My task is to be there to see the band, to connect with the music, to sing my little heart out... to create a good memory. That's a memory between me and the artist I go to see.
When I think back to concerts I've been to, I don't think about the guy standing next to me. I don't think about what people may say to me. I think about the music. I think about how great that one song was or how so-and-so was such an amazing performer. Concerts are not social for me and whilst yes, I do get anxiety when the music's not playing and I'm standing waiting while there are throngs of people all around me, I don't think about that later on. I don't allow that to become a memory. The memory is the music, and often it's good.
The anxiety returns to me when I have to leave through all those people or even find my own transport home (something I still don't feel capable of doing). Those are social situations and they aren't ones I'm comfortable in but they're unfortunately necessary for the great memory a concert gives me.
Maybe if I do the things that make me happy often enough, I won't have to think about the things that make me sad. I also should point out that while there are casual things that make me happy (like gaming, for example), these are not big enough events to work. They distract me, yes, but in the long term I won't think back on a specific event. Distraction works very well with depression and with memories, but it's temporary. Hell, I can distract myself with alcohol and opiates and they may solve the problem temporarily, but I'm still going to be thinking about bad memories when they wear off.
Like I said earlier, to keep this method in check, I still require medication and counselling. I do believe it's a good idea for doing things and certainly I'm trying to utilise it in the present. I wonder if I'll ever be able to do enough to keep the bad thoughts at bay completely?