I think in my previous post I covered most of the activities I was up to last year, many of which were positive influences on my life. In this post I'll cover my health (mental and physical). I'll also cover methods I've been using to improve my health (again, both mental and physical). Here we go:
Part II
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| February 2020 |
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| Before first treatment |
In February I decided to see the doctor regarding something I've had for a long time (I can remember having it when I was 7!) The issue was a little red mark on my left hand's ring finger. I'd never cared about it until it started to bleed. Bleeding coming from something you've had for over 20 years that's never bled before is always cause for concern. I saw the doctor who informed me it was a tumour (benign) of blood vessels - hence the extreme bleeding that was difficult to stop. I went to see a laser surgeon about it who worked on lasering away as much of it as possible. The results were fantastic and I'm yet to have anymore bleeding from it. I went back this month for a yearly review where we decided to do a bit more to it. Cosmetically speaking, it looks much better compared to before. Again, it's still not bleeding, which is the main thing. Watch this space.
That month I also started attending a group for addicts. I was there for codeine, obviously, and went every week for 5 weeks. Around me were people who were addicted to alcohol, to cocaine and whatever else. At first I wondered if I was "enough of an addict" to be there. It did me a lot of good though - I found a connection with people going through similar things to me (detoxing, withdrawing, tapering off). It was as if no matter what the drug itself is, the process is similar. We feel similar feelings about what we're doing and feel similar effects to what we're doing. We were all harming our bodies in one way or another. Going to a group where other people are going through similar things, while scary for me at first, was probably one of the best things I could have done to strengthen myself when recovering from an addiction. During that time I managed just over 16 weeks free of codeine.
Sobriety is not set in stone though. 16 weeks off a substance does not mean you won't have a bad day and pick it up again, which is exactly what happened to me. During the first week of July I had some "slip-ups". I define as a slip-up as a one-off that doesn't lead to frequent (daily) use. These were 3 instances of overdosing on cocodamol within just over a week. Honestly, I think the first one was the slip-up and the other 2 incidents were "just finishing the supplies". After this happened, I went for 7 weeks without codeine. It was the 28th of August that I started again and I started with a bang.
I was feeling particularly wound up already and stressed. I had a GP appointment scheduled for that day (to check on my mood). I also had a mental health appointment in the afternoon. Whatever had happened, I wrote down the date of the GP appointment wrong and ended up missing the appointment. Now, usually this would be nothing. This would be nothing to an ordinary person. Perhaps they would feel annoyed at getting out of bed and having to trudge over to the doctor's surgery just to find out they have the wrong day and have to make another appointment. For me, I had walked over so I already didn't have someone to vent to or to just take me home. I had myself and my mind. My mind telling me how stupid I am for missing the appointment. Telling me I'm an idiot. It's a voice that has to be silenced. Usually I can silence it by distracting myself, by interacting with someone or by being surrounded by a familiar environment. Today, though, there was nothing. I had nothing to silence it... and so I set out to buy something.
I went and bought a bottle of vodka. Getting drunk will shut it up! I also bought a packet of ibuprofen 200mg/codeine 12.8mg. It's a mix that works every time, so why not today? I made for the public toilets where I took a strip of 8 of the ibuprofen/codeine. I then wandered around the town, down by the river (sitting by the edge of it) and drank the vodka straight. I was sitting by the river on the verge of collapsing. Walking around the town putting on a fake face so no-one would see how out of it I was. I had that mental health appointment around lunch time so I made for the medical building and just sat outside. After a while, people started coming back from their lunches and that included my counsellor. He brought me inside after asking what had happened. It was then that I started vomiting, I was under the care of the nurse in the building and an ambulance was called. I don't remember much about this time but I do remember nearly losing consciousness on the way to hospital and the siren going while I was hooked up to heart rate monitors and the like. When I got there, I got the joy of sitting around that A&E brings, not that I cared much. I had bloods taken, I was sent to the observation ward, and I started to feel absolutely terrible. The psychologist at the hospital spoke to me about what happened, why I did it, if I had people to look after me, was I involved with the mental health team, etc. After everything and after recovering (mostly), I had to think of a way home. I didn't want my parents to worry so I kept it between me and my partner who reluctantly (but I'm very thankful he did) decided to take me home from the hospital.
That was a day that stands out in my life and one I would definitely point to in regards to my experiences with mental illness. Someone hospitalising themselves over a missed appointment is right up there when it comes to being mentally ill, it almost sounds like a joke. For me, it was everything. Everything came tumbling down at once that day and that's what led to the incident. I still feel so embarrassed about it as a whole and also for wasting everyone involved's time. Unfortunately, that was not my only trip to hospital last year for something related to mental illness.
Remember that first week of July I spoke about having the "slip-ups"? That week wasn't limited to codeine. I cut at least twice that week, one of which hit a vein. I was very worried about it (unusual for me when it comes to self harm, I'm usually very in control.) I can't remember how it happened, but the next day I spoke to my mum about it and she ended up taking me to the treatment room at the GP's surgery where they had a look at the wound. A doctor came in to examine it and decided it was too wide for paper stitches and needed properly dealt with at the hospital. She also made an appointment for me to see a GP the next day regarding my mental health (since I was clearly not in a good place.) So, up to the hospital I went with my mum who sat with me while I nurse the arm that had been lightly patched up in the treatment room. I eventually saw a doctor who decided it had been too long since I did the cut for them to put in proper stitches so instead I had some glued on. It felt a bit stupid, like I could have done this at home with superglue, but I just went with it.
I don't like seeing the doctor or going to hospital about any of my wounds. I did them, I don't expect any sympathy or care for them from anyone else. I disinfect them myself, I dress them myself, and then I move on with my life. Occasionally I might reopen them. If reopened, I just start again with the disinfecting and dressing. It's become no big deal for me, I've done it so many times. It's only rare times like this when I'm seriously worried about how far I've gone that I ask for a second opinion and a professional to look at it. This is actually the same attitude I have with codeine and alcohol - I did this to myself, I chose to do this, I should suffer the consequences.
Having to go to the hospital twice last year for self harm wasn't exactly ideal and did say a lot about how severe things were getting. I should point out though, in June I had an assessment for the psychology service. The idea would be to help me face the issues leading me to behave how I'm behaving. I'm still waiting to hear about that but they do have a long waiting list of people. They did, however, tell me that it would be useful to cut down (sorry) on self harm. This is because some of the topics we'll cover will be quite emotionally heavy and may be difficult to deal with. I've been trying to improve my mental health (the best way to not self harm is to not feel like self harming to begin with!) Obviously I've been running 3 times a week and I even took up yoga in September. Little distractions and little excuses to get me out of the house and around people. I'm still doing self defence classes which make me feel more confident about myself in the world and around other people and last year I continued my OCN training which comes to an end this year.
2019 was a tough year mentally but it's one I got through and came out better on the other side. I have some plans for 2020 but that can wait until another blog entry!