Recently I made the decision that I will soon taper off my sertraline. Attempts at getting further counselling (I was referred to a psychologist... who has yet to get back to me after 2 months) seem to have slowed to a halt. I thought my mood was generally recovering and that over the summer I would be able to get off the SSRIs, lose some weight and probably feel a BIT better about myself.
I have however come to the conclusion that reverting back to my pre-SSRI self will, as well as hopefully working on my figure, have an effect on coping methods. The cutting, the drugs (I'm not 15 any more so I doubt this will consist solely of huffing spray paint), the sleep deprivation, the starving and it's likely that suicidality will be returned at a greater height. I'm *hoping* that the propranolol (which I'm NOT stopping) will help with some of these symptoms but that's a bit of a gamble.
There's also nights like tonight when I cry for hours and feel a certain restlessness... as if there is some kind of energy in me that's needs to be either released or sedated. This "energy" has always been the source of the main issue. It starts with a mood: sad, angry, annoyed. One of these leads to wanting to get away from the situation or cause of the mood or even the mood itself. This then leads to anxiety - my legs continually moving, my eyes buzzing from one spot to another, my head vibrating. This has to be stopped by something: drugs or cutting being the first things I would turn to.
Through the years I have tried to stop the cutting. More than just because it's so visible, also because I'm "running out of space". I know that sounds ridiculous to someone who hasn't continually been cutting but my arms are covered in scars which have essentially made the skin a lot thicker and too difficult to draw blood from. My legs don't give the desired result - my thighs do but bandaging those after can be annoying. My eyelids and lips are now noticeable. I would cut them when Kenneth was away and/or I was single. Now if I did that, he would notice. He always gets so upset and feels it's his fault.
Drugs are the only other method open to me when I can't cut. Of course, I'm not talking hard drugs. Painkillers do the trick at numbing me down. The best I get is codeine. I don't have any access to anything more than that. Money is an issue as well as I don't have a steady income. Having said that, I'm well aware after years that too many can make you feel even shittier than you did before. One school night I felt particularly bad. Necked about a dozen co-codamol and went into school the next day. By 11am I was turning yellow, feeling particularly nauseous and getting a terrible headache. Lesson learned. (It also didn't help that it was picture day.)
Overall I think the main issue with quitting the sertraline will be coping with those feelings - that energy. Of course, I'm aware the few weeks after tapering the dose will be the most difficult and I'll probably give up and go back to it. It's always an option of course and there's no urgent reason to stop taking it. My prime concern, aside from my mood, will be the brain zaps. Those are such fucking pains in the head.