I know in the last post I said it felt like the NHS had forgotten about me but I assure you I have since had my first appointment with my psychologist.
Overall, it was a very draining appointment. I had to bring up some things I wish were buried and forgotten about, but if I'm asked a question I'd rather not cop out of it. An hour and 15 minutes of "How was it for you when you felt at your worst?" and "What kind of things happened at school?" that were a bit difficult to force out of my mouth. I can say however that I at least managed to go the whole session without crying - barely (the tissues on the desk beside me tell me it's probably a common enough occurrence anyhow.)
My sleeping is almost getting back to an acceptable stage: I managed last night to sleep without any drugs in my system as an aid. I was still up until 3am but it's better than 6 or 7am. I do imagine when I get some money in that this will be one of the first things I attend to - pills - but speaking right now, I can say I want to get out of that addiction of "needing" something to knock me out.
Recently I've been aware that I haven't written in a long time. The last time was June 2010. Ideally I want to start writing again to take over from the urge to cut, but when it comes to it, I can never get anything out. The only way I can think of to regain that creativity is by stopping my antidepressants (the only thing I can put it down to.) Unfortunately, the cutting overshadows that idea as I'm not quite at the stage where I can wean myself off anything safely.
I'm not in a great place right now. My self-esteem hasn't been this low since I was still at school. I find myself unable to measure up to anything or succeed at even the most basic things I know I'm capable of. Comments from those around me remind how inferior I am compared to others. Suicidal thoughts are at their highest and I can't say my behaviour in that area has been particularly squeaky clean recently having overdosed and cut in the past week alone. Last week I had my first dissociative episode in... well... a long time. It turns everything around you into a blur and yourself into a chunk of meat - not great for preventing severe cutting.
Not too sure where to go from here... not sure I care. I feel stuck.