I don't think I've written a proper blog entry yet since the beginning of last year. I suppose the Jelly entry was specific to him as opposed to covering my life like I usually do. I have some free time now (more on that later) so I decided to pick a rainy June afternoon to write a new entry.
I doubt I'm alone in saying that the past year has been a nightmare. I finished my OCN lessons in February 2020 (even achieving a pretty glass 'highly commended award' for Health and Well-Being Learner of the Year) and at that point I was looking forward to a few things such as a holiday to Portugal and the Larne half marathon (both at the end of March). I was also going to go to a concert in June 2020.
My mind was clear, I had focus, motivation, and was engaging with people again. I wasn't exactly a social butterfly but I could go into a crowded room and not feel my stomach drop with a sense of dread and want to kill myself just for existing. Things seemed to be looking up.
Once I had finished the OCN, I thought to myself that maybe I should get into education again. If I could find a course where I just had to do one day a week maybe. What subject did I want to do it in? Well, everyone told me I should get into counselling due to my experience and my progress with my own mental issues. However, I don't want to spend my time talking to other people so that idea was out.
I did want to do something with my life, though. I tried to think about what I was interested in, what I was good at at school, what I was aiming for when I was at school before I became ill. I remembered science. Biology. I was good at biology. I have an interest in biology. More importantly, I have an interest in subjects that stem from biology: how humans work, anatomy, neuroscience, genetics... and so on. Even more importantly, I have an A-level in Biology.
The idea is that, if I'm doing something scientific, I want to do something that will get me into a university course in Northern Ireland. Right now I can go and enter a course across the water but I don't want to leave home. I need somewhat of a 'top-up' for my current rubbish-but-enough-to-get-into-an-intermediate-course A-levels.
As time went on, the whole 'only one day a week' part became less important when looking at courses and the 'getting into university' part took over. I looked around at a few courses and found a foundation degree in Applied and Medical Science offered by NRC and an HND in Applied Biology offered by Belfast Met. I think I was initially wary of the NRC course because a. I had tried to do a BTEC at NRC when I was around 21 or 22 and failed miserably (as well as being bullied by 16 year olds(?)) and b. the teacher of this course was one of those who taught the BTEC, so I was aware of the standard of teaching. This meant investigating the Belfast Met course more.
The obvious issue with the Belfast Met course is having to go into Belfast for it. I had been to Belfast a handful of times in my life, usually either for concerts or a medical appointment, rarely for shopping, and never on my own. This would be a whole new experience for me. Despite my progress with my mental health and socialisation, would I be ready to go to Belfast not just once a week, but likely 3-4 times at least? When I applied for the course I was probably thinking of the end result more than how I was going to do it. "If I do this course, I can get this qualification, and then I can go to university and get this degree, and then I can finally go into an interesting field of work and not spend my time doing nothing!" I already had the qualifications needed to get into this HND so I went for it. I applied for the foundation degree, but as time went on I became more focused on the HND, what it involved and what it could bring me.
By mid-March, I had applied for two higher education courses, as well as having the aforementioned events lined up. Then we all know what happened.
The COVID-19 pandemic hit the UK big time mid-March 2020, lockdowns came into force, events were cancelled, plans were turned upside down. Travel restrictions meant our holiday had to be cancelled, restrictions on big events meant that the half marathon I had been training like a maniac for was postponed, concerts were postponed... postponements which continued into this year. A concert that was postponed from June last year to June this year was again postponed. The half marathon is taking place in August this year as opposed to March (I'm training for it but I'm 80% sure it'll be postponed or cancelled again). We were all told to stay at home, stay inside, order from shops online, only go out for necessities. As the healthiest in my house (well, physically I suppose) I was the nominated 'groceries person'. I still had to collect my medications on a weekly basis so since I was going out anyway, I would get whatever goods we needed for the house.
I spent most of last spring and summer reading more books than I ever have in my life, going for runs every other day (we were still allowed to exercise once a day), playing videogames (Animal Crossing, Final Fantasy VII Remake), and looking after a very sick cat I was in denial over. Autumn and winter brought health problems with my parents which piled on further pressure for me to act as a carer for others. Of course, Jelly also passed away, and I had a difficult time dealing with that, bursting into tears at random times throughout the day.
We can look at all of these things individually and say, "yeah, that sucks."
Missing out on events that were keeping you motivated? Yeah, that sucks.
Becoming isolated from other people just as you were getting used to being around them? Yeah, that sucks.
Becoming the nominated healthy person in your house who has to do all the errands and anything that requires leaving the house, when actually you're used to being the person who stays at home? Yeah, that sucks.
Being in the middle of a global pandemic with a deadly virus that there's no vaccination or cure for, and having parents that are particularly susceptible to this virus due to their age, conditions, and lack of immunity, so you spend every day worrying they'll catch it and die? Yeah, that sucks.
Entering education again after nearly a decade, having to wake up at 6AM to get a train full of people when you have the worst anxiety in public transport, to go to a city you're hardly ever in, to study when you've already decided in your mind that you're not that smart and that you're going to have a panic attack, stop going, and fail the course, just like you did with that BTEC eight years ago? Yeah, that sucks.
Also worrying that by going to the course on a crowded train, to a city which is the epicentre of infections in your region, you'll catch it and bring it home to your aforementioned vulnerable parents who will then die from it? Yeah that sucks.
Having a cat you've grown up with and that you rely on as a coping mechanism but which also has a terminal heart problem that's just getting worse and worse eventually die a few months after diagnosis and not knowing how to cope with his death? Yeah, that sucks.
Having your vulnerable parents go into hospital one after another in the space of a month, one of which having a transient global amnesia episode and you having to be the one in hospital with them, absolutely terrified because you have no idea what's happening and you think you've lost them to a stroke or something irreversible? Yeah, that sucks.
Having all of these things happen within a few months of each other? Yeah, that sucks. I can say without a doubt that 2020 was one of the worst years of my life.
However, I did start the HND course. At the beginning, it was difficult navigating the public transport issue. Thanks to restrictions, fewer people than usual were on the train which was a plus. I did still have to get up early though and had to do a lot of walking (to and from train stations) At least I had plenty of exercise.
The pandemic meant that most of our classes which would otherwise be in person were online over MS Teams but obviously we still had to go in for lab work which couldn't be done online. The fact that the classes were online and I could literally roll out of bed and on to the PC (as I usually do anyway) took a lot of the nerves and panic away from me. I also felt more comfortable answering questions online as opposed to in person. I am a much more confident person online, so answering a question incorrectly would not crush me as much as if I did it in person.
The lab work was problematic at times. Having an essential tremor meant breaking glassware, adding too much of a substance (only a bit, but probably enough to affect the results), and even being aware of the tremor made it worse, making me nervous when working in the lab. This was even with me taking the clonazepam each morning!
Working on assignments took up a lot of time. At times I was having dreams about chemistry since I had spent over 8 hours working on a chemistry assignment that day. It took a while to get into a pattern with the studying, one where I took the appropriate number of breaks and days off, but it was still taking up a lot of my time. As of the beginning of June, I have completed and handed in all assignments required of me.
Now I'm not working on anything, I almost find myself lost with nothing to do. Since last September time, I've been spending my time working on essays and reports for many hours each day. Now I don't even know how to spend my free time! I should point out though, I did receive my results today and received five distinctions and three distinction*. I never thought I'd be able to achieve a single distinction, never mind all of them. I thought I would do okay at the course, maybe get a couple of merits and the rest passes. I mean, it's been over 10 years since I was at school doing my A-levels, so the things I learned for Biology and Chemistry at A-level were not exactly fresh in my mind. And anyway, I got an E in Chemistry at A-level. How could I ever do well at it?
I've always based my potential off my A-level results. "I got rubbish A-levels, that just goes to show how rubbish I am." Especially with the subjects chosen (Biology grade C, English Lit. grade D, Chemistry grade E). The thought of ever getting into a science degree eluded me. As far as I was concerned, for the past 12 years I've been mentally ill and incapable of dealing with the stress and effects re-entering education would cause. The best thing for me to do would just to stay on benefits forever and stay at home where nothing could hurt me.
But here I am, sitting halfway through an HND in which I'm not just succeeding at, but I'm excelling at. Even now, I can't believe it, and I can't bring myself to give myself credit for it. I'm not sure how I'll spend the summer before the course begins again. As I said, I feel a little lost without something to do.
I guess I should talk a bit about how I've been coping the past year. I started seeing a psychologist. It's mainly been phone appointments due to restrictions but we're back to normal face-to-face appointments now. I'm not entirely sure how helpful this has been but it has let me speak about things I've never thought about before and left me asking myself questions I've never asked.
My mood has been strange. At times I've been extremely low and these times have resulted in severe self harm and dissociation. Some injuries have been so bad I've considered attending the hospital but been too scared to ask someone to take me. No-one wants to be near a hospital with all the COVID cases there. Other injuries have been unusual for me such as cutting the middle of the back of my hand, cutting the side of my hand and burning it, as well as cutting my upper arm. Some extreme injuries and some injuries I haven't done since I was a teenager. Aside from these few incidents, I've been holding it together a lot better than I expected I would. I think the college assignments and classes have been keeping me busy and distracted from how I feel.
Running also helps, though I haven't been doing as much due to college time. I trained like a maniac last year for the half marathon and then pulled back a bit. Injuries and pain from the bunion also affected the decreased running. I've started getting blood blisters on the underside of the bunion so that's not a good sign. However, I have noticed that when I can't go running for a while due to injury or other reason, my mood definitely dips and I get depressed. This also combines with my obsessive calorie counting to put me in a shitty mood if I don't burn off the calories from a day. Eating too much and exercising too little means I feel like crap. Running = burning calories and burning calories = good mood.
I can't overstate how helpful it's been to my mood to have support from the college. I've had a mentor, I've been in contact with the student wellbeing team, an understanding course co-ordinator if I needed extra time for assignments for whatever reason, as well as my outside support from the mental health team and psychologist. The combination has kept me afloat and on top of things even when my mental health has been at its lowest. I won't lie, in the past year I've contemplated suicide seriously more than once. I'm still here though, aren't I?
During the lockdowns, I've made sure to stay calm and distracted. I've been losing myself in books, I've been detoxing from technology by baking(?) and going fishing with my partner. It's important when you're spending all day on the PC for classes and assignments, and you already were spending long enough on it, that you take a break otherwise your brain starts to go a little funny.
I've been doing my best in "exceptional circumstances".