So I finished my last post by speaking about seeing the doctor. When I went, I had a blood test done to check my blood count, liver function, paracetamol levels, etc. Blood count was for the frequent unexplained bruising and the others were for the overdosing.
That evening I got a call from the hospital the bloods were sent to. It was someone from the biochemistry department and he wanted to speak to me specifically about the cocodamol overuse.
How many had I taken the night before?How many was I taking in the weeks leading up to that?What was the most I had taken in the weeks leading up to that?Did I know that dose was potentially lethal?Don't EVER take that amount again.Don't take more than 4 within a few hours of each other again.Isn't there some kind of codeine only alternative the doctor could give me?
Of course, I had to explain about it being an ongoing thing, how I was seeing the addictions team, how I was reducing and so on. Still, it felt like a pretty definitive telling off - especially the "DON'T EVER..."
Anyway, everything came back normal except for my blood count which showed I'm anaemic. I knew something had to be wrong to be causing all the bruising but I never thought anaemia for some reason. They've put me on 2 iron tablets a day for the next 4 months to treat it and they make me feel sick. I assumed the reason I was feeling lightheaded and tired was the cold I seem to have had for the past few months non-stop. Of course, now that I know what it is I'm seeing it more in my actions and how I feel. I've been napping more in afternoons. Running has become difficult and that's been something making me feel down. This past weekend I went for a 10K run (more like a jog) and even though I took short rests throughout, I came home and everything was turning white. I nearly collapsed in the shower. I was imagining a scenario when I'd have to crawl naked from the bathroom just to get back to my bedroom!
Anaemia and still ongoing cold in mind, it's hard to pinpoint one direct cause of how I'm feeling right now. I'm on edge, I'm struggling to sleep without waking up through the night, I'm either tearful or on the verge of exploding at people, I'm coming out in blotchy spots over my body, getting headaches, feeling faint... the list goes on. Now, I'm starting to think at least some of these are down to coming off codeine again (it's been over a week now without any and the cravings are strong.) I'm doing my best to keep my emotions under wraps and I suppose I'm doing an alright job; no codeine, no vodka, no self harm. That's not to say I don't feel like doing any of those things, I feel like my life would be much easier if I did. I could cope. I don't know how I'm coping right now.
Yesterday I had an appointment with the mental health team (the first since the A&E incident in August). We spoke about 3 months worth of things (since that's when my counsellor last saw me) and I got a lot of stuff off my chest. I also got challenged on some of those things: thoughts of inadequacy, feeling less valuable than other people. Why do I feel like I'm worth less than other people? I just do. It's obviously been drilled into my head over the years though for it to be the default now. At school, even when I was in a friend group, well... three's a crowd. I was the third every time. Any chance to ditch me, any chance to let someone else in instead of me, it was taken. I lived my life thinking that's just what people thought of me. People thought I wasn't good enough for their group. Now, obviously this happening once might just be a fluke but it wasn't just once. Seemingly every group I was ever in, people were always ready to push me out in favour of others.
If you grow up having these experiences over and over again, you grow up seeing yourself as consistently less important than other people.
Now, I don't want to blame my dad for this either because I love him very much and he's done so much for me but... when I was at school, I was frequently under pressure academically. Every test result I got "You can do better." I have 10 GCSEs at grades A*-C. I was told this was alright but I could do better. Unfortunately, I felt like I couldn't. I revised like crazy for a history test (nothing official, just an in-class test) to try and do better than the last time. I didn't. It seemed to make no difference. I went for lunch after that class that day and broke down crying in front of the whole school. No-one had any idea what to do, because what can you do? I felt like a complete failure. I still passed (66% or something similar) but it certainly didn't feel like that mattered.
So, as well as the social aspect of not feeling valuable, I felt useless academically too. As far as I was concerned, when I was a teenager, these 2 things were the only things that mattered. I realise now that there's more to someone than how many best friends they have and how well they did academically. Someone can be valuable in other ways, to other people, for other reasons. You can also find value in yourself. You can achieve things (again, it doesn't matter if it's not to do with school).
My problem is that I'm 28 and this lack of self-worth has been drilled into my head for such a long time that I don't question it when I have negative thoughts. The aim now is to get that out and to see myself in a different light. I've been screwing *myself* over for much longer than anyone else has. I need to move on.