I spoke before about my Biquelle XL (Quetiapine) being increased from 100mg to 150mg and how that had adversely affected me. I can thankfully say that that has calmed down a fair bit and although I'm still feeling quite slowed down and apathetic as a result, it's better than how I was feeling both before and immediately after the increase. Not too long after, I saw the psychiatrist for a review appointment. I can't say I was expecting much more than a discussion of how I was feeling on the upped dose. I certainly didn't expect what actually happened.
The psychiatrist wanted to go through with me about my life, my feelings generally, my feelings in regards to specific events/people/etc, how and when things like my low mood or my self harm occurs, how I react, and so on. These would be difficult questions to answer at the best of times but the medication slowing me down didn't exactly help and just left my mind feeling cloudy when I was trying to focus. By the end of the appointment, I felt like I had all of the life sucked right out of me, I was so drained. We decided RE: Biquelle XL that it's better as it is now (feeling apathetic and sleeping better but caring less about how severely I self harm) than before (feeling frantic with anxiety, difficulty sleeping and self harming carelessly/more often). We also spoke about the root cause(s) of how I ended up in this position mentally.
My condition has never been given a specific name (well, they've never told me one). I've always just considered my mood as being like a 5/10 most of the time and dipping to 0/10. I never hit over 5/10 for too long and if I do, it's not a huge increase in happiness. Because of this, I've always just said I have clinical depression, even though the 0/10 dips have become fewer and fewer over the years. Most of the time I feel like I'm just coasting along. The only days I don't tell you I'm feeling "meh" are the days when I'm feeling like I want to die. My anxiety is consistent all the time though. Yes, the anxiety itself can contribute badly to the depression, but it's also there when I'm not feeling depressed. Because of this, I tend to just tell people "I have issues with depression and anxiety" and that's always been enough of an explanation in my eyes.
Over the years, other symptoms have developed. Self induced isolation where I'm not particularly "scared" of social situations as opposed to loathing them. Dissociation at unexpected times (though usually when I'm feeling depressed and anxious at the same time). Some of the symptoms I put down less to myself and more to the side effects of all the medication. The psychiatrist, however, thought that these symptoms contributed to the diagnosis she decided to give me that day. Looking at it in hindsight, she could be correct.
She handed me a little booklet and had highlighted some symptoms she found applicable to me. They include (I've highlighted the parts she did):
- You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly
- You don't have a strong sense of who you are
- You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships
- You act impulsively and do things that could harm you
- You have suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviour
- You feel empty or lonely a lot of the time
- You get very angry, and struggle to control your anger
These are all symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) AKA Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). She pointed out that she doesn't think I have the full disorder but that I may have at some point. This previous year when I've been running and going to groups, courses etc. has shown development away from EUPD and so she would say I now only have "traits" of the disorder. Let's consider some of the traits she highlighter and how they apply to me.
I've already explained about my emotions. I can go a few days at 5/10 then dip to 0/10 for hours, days or weeks at a time... then back to 5/10. I can wake up feeling depressed and be fine at the end of the day or vice versa. I often feel like these changes are out of my control and aren't triggered in any way.
Acting impulsively, struggling to control my anger, and suicidal or self-harming behaviour can all fall under one umbrella. Because of my unpredictable moods, I can get angry and immediately default to self harm. I might get so angry that if I were anyone else, I'd hurt another person. Because I'm me, though, I hurt myself and I do it in such an uncontrolled way. Anger may be dealt with by retreating to my room, locking the door, putting on some music and either attacking myself with a blade or burning myself until satisfied. For me, a physical outlet for dealing with my emotions is always required - hence the cutting, burning and overdoses. I'd rather hurt myself than someone else.
I don't have a strong sense of who I am. I never even considered making it to my late 20's so unsurprisingly I never planned for it. Here I am and all I have to my name is existence. My whole adult life so far has been spent on drugs, alcohol, prescribed medications, and counselling to cope with the idea of even still surviving. There's been no particular focus on what I want to be after all that is under control.
I find it "very hard to make and keep stable relationships", so much so that I have no offline friends aside from my partner and my close family. I'm not "friends" with anyone else and the idea of making other friends seems so tedious to me. I prefer being on my own anyway. However, as per the "you feel empty or lonely a lot of the time" point, I even have times when I isolate myself from those closest to me. I separate from them emotionally and withdraw. During times like these, I feel like I'm the only person in the world there for me and I'm fighting a losing battle. It's a difficult feeling to explain (and even more difficult to explain to them). Dissociation (which I've discussed previously) was also mentioned as a trait.
Of course, I've also been referred to psychology and I had my "initial assessment" last month. After the initial assessment, I have to wait a further 6 months before I can see a psychologist. When we talked things through, it was decided that I would benefit most from 1-to-1 with the psychologist as well as possibly going to personality disorder groups. Both the psychologist and psychiatrist I spoke to came to the conclusion that how I was treated by my peers as I was younger was what led me to this point. I've done some work on it and I'm not *quite* as anxious as I previously was around people.
I'm still nowhere near where I need to be, though.