Age: 27

I think now is a decent enough time to reflect on the good and the bad: the good being my progress over the past year and a bit, the bad being the past few weeks. Maybe we should cover the good first as it might be difficult to think about after going over how I've been recently.

Last April I started Couch to 5K. At the start I never thought I'd be able to do it - I was obese, I had only ever exercised indoors where I couldn't be seen, I didn't think I would have the confidence needed to go out and have to interact with other people and I definitely didn't think I would be doing it for anything other than my own health.

Having signed up for a 10K (jumping in at the deep end), I basically crapped myself for the next few months over the idea of running with other people and the idea of running 10K. I did that 10K and  later ran two 5Ks that year as well. This year I ran a 10K and I ran the Larne Half Marathon. That's not something I ever would have seen coming in a million years.

There is a certain sense of pride there, yeah. I never did the races with the intention to come 1st. I was always doing it thinking of my own health - my mind, my body and how this would help both. Coming last, whilst obviously demotivating in a way, wasn't quite as big a deal as the fact that I finished.

This year I've already accomplished 2 out of 3 of my New Year's Resolutions. Get a tattoo, run a half marathon, lose another stone... the classics. I got a tattoo in January of my favourite Manic Street Preachers quote: "I know I believe in nothing but it is my nothing". It covers over a few of the older scars on my right wrist and is, at times, comforting to look at. As mentioned, I ran the Larne Half Marathon (and most importantly, I completed it) so all that's left is a bit more weight loss to help my body out.

Ironically, for someone who's always been so interested in the "27 Club" and who never thought they'd make it to their late 20's, my 27th year has been one where I've achieved a lot. Many things have happened in the past year that I'd be proud to tell people about. Even when I did exams at school, and passed, I was never proud to tell people. Why should I be? There were people getting an A* in every subject and there I was, scraping through, suffering and crying and cutting myself due to my self-perceived failure. There was no pride in passing, no pride in having done it, although it goes without saying that my mental and physical health struggles when I was at school meant it was a miracle I completed any exams at all.

Unlike those academic efforts, I don't see myself as having failed at races because I haven't come first. I see myself as having completed them and having put physical hard work into them. That makes it a success in my own head, despite my time or ranking.

The second part of this blog entry is not quite so optimistic. 

I've mentioned my struggles with codeine before. I've been without for over 60 days now (another success, I suppose) and my body thanks me for it. My mind doesn't. I don't know if there's been some underlying change in my circumstances aside from coming off codeine, but I noticed last month my anxiety was rising (specifically social anxiety) and I was having difficulty sleeping. After struggling to get through to my mental health worker, I finally reached her. She discussed it with the psychiatrist who decided to up my Biquelle XL (Quetiapine) from 100mg at night to 150mg at night.

There were the usual immediate effects you get when you up a mental health medication: my head felt "like a sieve", I was more forgetful than usual and all round slower on the uptake with things. The new dosage quickly got me sleeping again (head hits pillow, knocked out kind of sleeping) and it also started to impact the anxiety I had been feeling. I was feeling less impulsive, less nervous, less anxious in general. The effect on impulsivity was a big one. Ideally this would have meant a happier (or at least, not as sad) Rachael. That didn't happen.

What I did experience with the dose increase was that I was still feeling low and having depressive thoughts like I would when I had anxiety attacks and like self harming. The problem was that this was now all the time instead of just on occasion when the anxiety ticked over. I felt (feel?) a constant cloud of depression hanging over me, whereas before it only appeared every now and then. Because I am no longer as impulsive, it means that thoughts that would disappear after distracting myself or cutting would stick around all of the time. Thoughts like killing myself have become pervasive - it no longer feels like they're able to "pass" and let me go back to being my "normal" semi-functioning self. It feels like when they pass, that is the distraction. These thoughts are my true self - happiness is the distraction.

When you change things around and start thinking that way (as well as the cloud of depression, the cloud of apathy towards everything outside your own head), self harm and suicide become more acceptable ideas. They become less serious to you. Cutting yourself is just another way to get high that doesn't involve pills. Cutting your neck becomes practice. You start to do research. You think about when, where, what, how. No-one matters. You don't matter. You can tell people with a straight face that you intend to kill yourself but you're still working out the details. You don't break down crying whilst doing so like you would have before because your brain no longer processes it the same way.

Needless to say, I've been seeing the mental health team more often. I've signed a safety plan which we worked out and I keep at hand to try to follow (people to contact, ways to distract myself, etc). I'll be seeing the psychiatrist soon to look at my meds again and see what can be done to improve this situation. I continue to see the Community Addictions Team about the codeine. I keep running. I keep gaming. I keep in contact with people who make me happy. I do try and distract myself, even for a little while, because sometimes all it takes is a little while.