March Update

Since I last updated you on things, I can't say many things have happened. Unfortunately, this is a problem because I'm not just talking about life events, I'm talking about treatment.

I'll start with the most prevailing issue: the codeine. In my last post about it, I spoke of how I was clean. That lasted for 35 days. I can't remember what happened leading up to it, but on a day in mid-January I became quite depressed, quite anxious and frantic. "I need something NOW" kind of frantic. I didn't have any codeine in my room so eventually found some in a first aid box in the house somewhere. That night I took 24 of the paracetamol 500mg/codeine 8mg pills. I had 2 glasses of wine. I did a couple of deep cuts on my arm. I was not thinking about any repercussions, any negative effects, I wasn't thinking about what I was doing at all. I just needed something to make how I was feeling stop.

Now, let's rewind a second here. 24 cocodamol and wine. This was going from 0 pills straight to 24 pills. 0mg codeine straight to 192mg. 192mg is not the most codeine I've ever had but jumping straight up to it again instead of building tolerance slowly was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. That night I could feel myself going. I was about to brush my teeth and get ready for bed but instead I couldn't make it that far. I had the toothbrush out, looked in the mirror, thought "nope" and had to return to the bedroom. Then I collapsed on the bed in one of the very few times in my life I've fainted. When I think overdose now, I think of that. I've never had any issues before because I had built it up but going straight to that... that was just stupid. After that, I had about a week of building up the dose again before deciding to taper off. I slipped up a few times and ended up at the top again but eventually got down to 0. It's been nearly 2 weeks now without vodka and codeine in my system and whilst I think the majority of the physical withdrawals have worn off, I still have the psychological longing for it in my head.

I've had difficulty with withdrawing and difficulty in general with my mood. I've had at least one serious dissociative episode (thankfully my partner was there so I wasn't able to harm myself). I've been feeling much more anxious around people for some reason and anxious in general. I have moments of restlessness. I have moments of worthlessness. Time to go and see my mental health team about it right?

About that. I've called up for an appointment 3 times. I've also asked to see the psychiatrist at least twice. Each time I get told "Yep, I'll get you an appointment letter sent out, no problem."

But it never arrives.

There's only so many times you can ask for something from someone before realising: they're really not prioritising me. Yes, I understand, this is the NHS, I should be thankful I have someone to see at all, other people have to wait months, etc. etc. However, the problem here is I'm one of the more "at risk" patients. If I call up saying I've been feeling anxious, I've been doing this and that, I want to see the psychiatrist and change my meds, I should be treated seriously. That's not how it feels right now. Quite ironically, the people that are meant to be helping me are currently making me feel unimportant. When you're someone prone to self harm and thoughts of suicide, this isn't an ideal way to feel.

I don't know why I've been feeling anxious for the past few months. It could be related to the codeine withdrawal. It could be a change of circumstances (though I can think of none). All I know is at times I feel like I have boundless energy which can only be released through self harming behaviours and other times I have no energy and feel too depressed to move from my bed.

What I have been doing, though, is going to groups. Some groups were okay but most fell by the wayside. I attended a full course of the addiction group which I enjoyed (an excuse to talk about yourself as well as hearing other people with similar stories/experiences to your own). I'm still attending the course I go to on Monday. That's it. The rest of my time has been taken up by preparing for the Larne half-marathon (which is next Saturday.) That's been tough and has been taking a toll on me for certain. I'm still not sure I can make the whole distance, but I'll try. And I'll listen to music as usual to keep me sane in front of all those people. At least I'll have achieved something.