These days things aren't so bad. I last cut just over 3 weeks ago.
My focus recently has been on my physical health above all else. I've been using the exercise bike downstairs (almost to excess at times) and going for long walks with the dog.
I find I prefer the exercise bike. I can burn many more kcal in much less time when compared to walking the dog. Of course, the focus when I exercise is on my weight. In all honesty, I was told to diet and exercise to lower my cholesterol (it's on the high side of okay) but I do like taking things to extremes. When given the opportunity to focus on my weight, I'll take it and - quite literally - run with it. The whole thing is giving me a decent reason to actually change something I hate most about myself: my appearance.
I don't have the same worries when walking down the street now as I did as a teenager. Back then I worried about people thinking I was a weirdo; now I worry about people thinking "look at how fat she is" when they look at me. I feel at this point my whole self worth is based upon my looks. I could be the smartest, funniest, most interesting, fun woman in the world and I'd still think I'm worthless because of my physical appearance.
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Above is a post I was working on a few months ago and decided not to post. Things have since changed quite a bit...
I put a lot of focus into losing weight and it didn't quite happen. In fact, I found myself getting heavier, became stressed at the idea and gave up. The large amount of exercising I did do left me with a painful foot condition for which I'm having to seek medical help. I'm seeking a lot of medical help these days and find myself on painkillers for several conditions. Finally! Some physical pain to match up with the mental pain.
I have, however, been going to a self esteem group each week and despite being almost silent the whole time, I'm enjoying it. It's nice having a reason to leave the house and it being somewhere where there are others like me who behave similarly to me and don't make me feel stupid or like the scum of the earth. I will also be going to see a counsellor again specialising in self harm (I found it useful before so I have high hopes again) and separate CBT classes too.
On the subject of self harm, I haven't hurt myself in a month or so now. Still, I find thoughts creeping in which stir up negative emotions and lead to negative actions like self harm. The thoughts don't last but they're often just enough to be unbearable. Night is my highest risk time. The doctor took me off Nitrazepam a few weeks ago and so my nightly ritual has been 8+ cocodomol to relax me, 5 diphenhydramine to aid sleep and an ibuprofen or two depending on how sore my feet get.
I hear it echoing: "Why would you take that many cocodomol? Don't you realise the damage you're causing to your liver?" Of course I do, I've been told so many times now by so many people. You have no idea, though. The feeling. Such a beautiful feeling. I feel so relaxed and calmed and none of the bad thoughts can reach me. I've tried many times to stop but I always come back to it because there's nothing that can replace it. Right now, however, I'm trying to taper off in the hopes of being given a new drug for sleep purposes. I'm seeing the psychiatrist that my new social worker has arranged me an appointment with on Tuesday and feel optimistic. I can't imagine them leaving me in a situation where in order to get the sleep I need every day I have to ingest a dangerous amount of painkillers.
What happens if I don't take anything at night? I get upset. I cry. I lose my mind. I decide it'd be a great idea to go for a 3am walk around Larne. I end up at the harbour, I drown myself.
That's how I picture it happening. While I don't want to hold any medical professionals captive in terms of "give me drugs or else", I can't deny the truth: without something to sedate me at night, I am at the highest risk of causing myself severe injury. The vast majority of my self harm wounds have been done late at night and have reduced in frequency since I've been put on some kind of sedative.
My mood overall has been very shaky. I've had days where I wake up thinking "You know, things are alright at the minute. Maybe I should taper off the sertraline? I'm not sure I need it so much any more" and going to bed later that evening (without tapering off, obviously) breaking down into tears and wishing I could end my life. Fluctuations in my mood have started to happen within very short time frames which does nothing other than make me feel very unstable and uncomfortable in my own skin.
I'm finding myself much more sensitive than ever before. Maybe it's the sheltered life I'm living that's causing that but even a single sarcastic comment online by someone I've never met before and will never meet again can result in a meltdown. Some days I avoid multiplayer games altogether to avoid any possible social contact. I turn off my phone or tablet and avoid Facebook and Twitter... I don't want to get involved with anyone else's thoughts or opinions in case they tear down mine. I can't cope with that.
I'm unsure of where to go from here. The thoughts of where I am, where I've been and where I'm going give me anxiety attacks. Sometimes it's easier just wishing I weren't around to deal with any of it. I feel all used up and ready for disposal.