Aside from the obvious effect on close relatives, friends and your love life, the stigma of self harm itself is a strong one. Even with no fresh cuts in accessible places like my arms or legs, the sheer amount of scarring I have given myself is enough for people to stare. At this point it can no longer be explained away with "Oh I fell and hit it off a _____" or "My cat scrabbed me." There are far too many for that excuse. The only "excuse" I can come up with in isolated incidents when I'm having a one-on-one conversation which will be over very soon is "lion attack." It's a pretty obvious bullshitter right there, but it's a pretty obvious way of saying "It's none of your business/I don't want to tell you."
Often enough, I manage to avoid having said conversations to begin with. I will never go into a social situation with scars on show to be asked about. The only scars that cannot be hidden are so well healed up that they're invisible unless I point them out or, in the case of a few burns on the back of my hand, are tiny/could be from anything. Because of this willingness to cover up though, long sleeves are my best friend. I like wearing colourful dresses and the like, but wouldn't go out with them on unless I have a cardigan or coat over.
One exception is on holiday. Most of the holidays I've ever been on have been in warm countries. A couple of years ago I went to Malta with my family for my brother's wedding (and subsequently a nice holiday.) Scars or not, I'm not going to wear a jumper in 30°C+ heat. Mind you, I did wear a jumper or cardigan on occasion during that time out of nerves or going to a place where I know I may be singled out for my appearance. Most of the time was fine though. I was able to get away with wearing a bikini and not notice anyone staring.
I can think of a couple of incidents during that holiday. One was when I went to McDonalds with my mum for lunch for her to point out a few teenage boys were staring at me. Ahh, and here was me thinking it was my flawless beauty they were gazing upon... no such luck. "They're staring and whispering about your arms" she said. It didn't bother me much. It was easy enough saying it, but truth be told I was in a foreign country and these were a few kids I'd never see again. Just ignore them and eat your cheeseburger, I told myself.
Our hotel had a rooftop pool with a beautiful view of the beach. I liked to spend some time up there, just relaxing and reading (as well as one could read when the rooftop wind kept blowing the book shut.) I was on my way up in my bikini and cover up when there was someone else in the elevator. It was an older man. I hadn't seen him before nor would I see him again and he looked like a local. I won't forget the conversation we had in that elevator:
"What are those scars? Did someone do this to you?"
"No they didn't."
"Are you sure no-one did this to you?"
"I'm sure. I did it to myself."
"Why would you do that to yourself?"
"It's personal. I'm not well."
"You don't need to do this to yourself. You don't deserve this."
Obviously it was pretty awkward being in that kind of situation: you're in an elevator with someone you don't know asking about something you don't want to talk about and you can't escape. But honestly, I nearly cried. A complete stranger was telling me I was worth more than this. Thinking back, if someone on the outside could see that, I couldn't imagine what it must be like for those close to me.
Not everyone has been so kind or subtle over the years about my self harm. At school, we wore long sleeve blouses. No problem there right? Except most of us had the cuffs unbuttoned - myself included. It was just the most comfortable way. This would mean that any recent cuts would be visible. Any bandages or patches would be visible. People would see and notice what I was doing to myself. I should point out, I didn't "deliberately" apply bandages to shallow wounds just to "be cool" or draw attention to myself. Bandages were used for what I refer to as "rips": when the skin has been separated, often by an inch (or more); wounds that would require stitches or proper medical attention (I've always been with Richey Edwards when he said "he didn't like to waste the doctors' time with his wounds", to paraphrase.)
Now, why would I feel the need to "point this out"? I'm not sure the reasons behind it, but word got around about me - "gossip", if you will - that my cutting and my treatment of said cuts were not much more than attention seeking. When I wore a bandage, obviously I was just doing it for attention. The wounds my arms gradually had mount up were just for attention. It was evidently just something as trivial for attention as dying my hair blue when I was 14 or wearing lots of eye-liner. Totally in the same category right?
I won't lie to you. School was a very painful time. My inability to find anyone I truly connected to throughout my 7 or so years there had an effect on me - was there something wrong with me? But that's an entry for another day. I had some friends throughout the years better at dealing with the self harm than others; some who could speak about it candidly and others who immediately just stopped talking any time I mentioned something like the self harm or counselling I was attending. I had people outright ask me about the scars (to which I gave the "lion" excuse I mentioned earlier) and people who felt the need to talk behind my back. I can only speak from what I was told, but one psychology period supposedly focused a fair bit on my cutting and how much of an attention seeker I was. People who treated me like dirt on their shoe saying they "tried to help me" or "support me". None of these people could speak to me one-on-one but in their groups had no issue talking about me or wholeheartedly doing their best to make me feel like shit. I could single out every single one of them during break time straight after as they were all giving me side eye - thinking I wasn't scoping the room.
As I've grown over the past few years, I've tried to figure people out. Why people behave like they do in certain situations, why I'm treated differently by different people: what's behind that treatment? Needless to say, thinking back now, it's easy to figure out what was going on. Unfortunately, I can't travel back in time to reassure my younger self, to hug her and tell her not to worry because it's not her fault. Sometimes I wish I could step out of my body and do the same to my current self - when I lose control, when I start crying erratically and won't listen to those around me because I'm not thinking it through.